اعلانات عالمية

اعلانات حول العالم

اعلانات عالمية

Best Shots

وظائف خالية حول العالم

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feelingToo hot that morning anyway.
I went to breakfast knowing my wifeWould be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,?
And would probably have a present for me.She didn't even say ?Good Morning,? Let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?
I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember .?The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet , said,
?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.? So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said,?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday,
let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George,that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go. ?
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;We went out into the country to a little private place.
We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.On the way back to the office, she said,
?You know, it's such a beautiful day.We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.?After arriving at her apartment she said, ?Boss, if you don't mind ,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. ??Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and,
In about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake,Followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.All were singing ? Happy Birthday? And there on the couch I sat... Naked.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Mood

Universal law of Love:

" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money "

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First law of Love:

" a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. "

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Second law of Love:

" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. "

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Third law of Love:

" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping ."

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Classic Joke

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, " How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

" Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

" Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Winners of a slogan contest

Winners of a slogan contest




These are the winners of a slogan contest organized by a leading newspaper .



# Sign on a railway station at Patna :

Aana free, jaana free,
pakde gaye to khana free.


# Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay :

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your grandmother!


# Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative
More the success, more the relatives.


# Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay :

We need your heads to run our business.


# A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough - or else they never will be.....


# THE BEST ONE:

Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist organizations
It's our responsibility to arrange the meeting between them and god."

BOYS - GALS

WOMAN has MAN in it .

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. Has Mr. In it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

......and so on the list is never ending

SO NO need to be proud ....Girls

YOU are always incomplete without Boys....

Monday, November 12, 2007

MEN ?

: What is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.

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Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are...

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Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

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Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?

A: Who cares?????.. ...


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Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

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Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: I) no mind ii) no business

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Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?

A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

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Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?

A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

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Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

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Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A: Exchange him!!

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Q: Why do men like smart women?

A: Opposites attract.

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Thursday, November 8, 2007

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

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Marriage is a threering circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

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For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.

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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.

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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often ?

Heaven & Hell

Heaven is when you have

An American Salary

A British Home

A Chinese Food

An Indian Wife


Hell is when you have

American Wife

British Food

Chinese Home

and Indian Salary

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Snacks of Humor

1] You can become an engineer if you go to an Engineering college,
But don't expect to be a President going to the Presidency College!


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[2] Expect a BUS at a BUS Stop, but Don't expect a FOOL at FULLSTOP(.)


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[3] A Mechanical engineer becomes a mechanic
Then why not a software engineer become a software?


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[4] Find keys in a Key board
But do not expect a mother in mother board.


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[5] Study anything you want and get a certificate in subject of your studies
But don't expect a death certificate studying "Dying and Death."

Saturday, November 3, 2007

I like your beard

A married man was visiting his "girlfriend"


When she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."


James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!!"




"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...


"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!!"


The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.


That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping.


The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon !"

Friday, November 2, 2007

Bicycles are better.....!

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.

2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.

3. Bicycles don't have parents.

4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.

6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.

7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.

8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.

9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.

10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

11. You'll never hear, "Surprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle" unless you go out and buy one yourself.

12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.

13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.

14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics with it.

15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents .

ME and MY BOSS

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,

When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough


When I don't do it, I am lazy,

When my boss does not do it, he is busy,


When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,

When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,


When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,

When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,


When I make a mistake, I' am an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.


When I am out of the office, I am wondering around.

When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.


When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.


When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview

When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked


When I do good, my boss never remembers,

When I do wrong, he never forgets

Handgun v/s Woman

The Top 10 reasons why a Handgun is better than a Woman



#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

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#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

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#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

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#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

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#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

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#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

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#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

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#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

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#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

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AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . . You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Opel AD

Funny Quotes

Practice makes a man perfect... - But nobody's perfect..... . So why practice?

Money is not everything. - There's MasterCard & Visa.

One should love animals. - They are so tasty .

Save water. - Shower with your girl friend.

Love thy neighbour. - But don't get caught.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

Every man should marry. - After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry - And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term. - It brings so many relatives.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

Love is photogenic - It needs darkness to develop

Children in backseats cause accidents - Accidents in backseats cause children

"Your future depends on your dreams" - So go to sleep

There should be a better way to start a day - Than waking up every morning

"Hard work never killed anybody" - But why take the risk !

"Work fascinates me" - I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives; - Thank God we can choose our friends.

When two's company, - three's the result!

The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know - So... Why learn.

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say........

Today Joke

One guy suddenly got up in a plane and said




"hijack"

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Everybody in the plane put there hands up.


Then suddenly

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Another guy from another side got up and said




"hi...john"

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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A Trip to Doctor Office

Click The Picture for Easy Reading

Footprints

One day a man having conversation with his father when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints.

He asked his father "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??"

To which his father answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you"

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Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.

I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

I asked my PM, "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??"

To which my PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you... You see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times I was "sitting on your head !!!"

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Door Bell

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.

As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey, would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on!

There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".

"No way, it's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and

The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....

TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

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