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Monday, December 22, 2008

BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

***********

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!! !.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!! !

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March - Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!"

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April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!

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May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

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June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

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July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

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August - Got locked out of my car in rainstorm... ..car swamped because soft-top was open.

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September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

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October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

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November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.

Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

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December - Couldn't call 911...."duh"........ there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


What a year!!


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If you love someone

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE


If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....


**********

THE NEW VERSIONS.... .


**********

Pessimist:


If you love someone,
Set her free ............ .....
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was


**********

Optimist:


If you love someone,
Set her free ............ .....
Don't worry, she will come back.


**********

Suspicious:


If you love someone,
Set her free ............ .....
If she ever comes back, ask her why.


**********

Playful:


If you love someone,
Set her free ............ .....
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her
Free again, repeat *


**********

Bill Gates :


If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but
Tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.


**********

Finance expert :


If you love someone
Set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset
gone bad.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

4 year old girl dancing salsa

25 Fun Pool Activities

1) Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2) Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.

3) Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4) Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5) Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

6) Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7) Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

8) Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah.. Oooh that feels soooo good.."

9) Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

10) Swim near someone and go "Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here."

11) Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12) Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say "HA HA, fooled you!"

13) Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.

14) Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15) Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.

16) Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17) Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18) Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19) When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

20) Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

21) Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22) Throw people's things into the pool.

23) Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

24) Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25) Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters
lately.


Who says English is easy?

Yes or NO? It's all the same!

Fill these blanks with YES or NO

............ ., I don't have a brain.
............ ., I don't have sense.
............ ., I am stupid.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

- Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

- It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

Man : Is there any way for long life ?
Doctor : Get married.

Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will
never come.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ...

Spiders on Drugs Funny Video


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Friday, December 19, 2008

Rules for Male

Rules for Male, Written by Female

1. The Female always makes The Rules.

2. The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

3. No Male can possibly know all The Rules.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.

7. (If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding. )

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without express written consent from the Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female Wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to mind read at all times.

14. The Male who doesn't abide by The Rules, can't take the heat, lacks a backbone, and is a wimp.

15. Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

16. At no time can the Male make such comments as "Insignificant" and "Is that all?" when the Female is complaining.

17. If the Female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Church ancient statue ( Oops... Funny )


Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"


The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Are not you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they had show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter
pregnant!"

Fun photos with Apple Photobooth


(Please let the pics open. Might take some time on a slower connection. Or might be server problem
If you can't see the pictures, right click the small Red-Cross and choose Show Picture to view it.)





An Elephant Painter

Internet friendship proposals

will u be my frinedship with me? plz?????? (ya sure)

im all alone and in need of frinedship and friends. (ill gladly be ur friend if only you wud improve ur english)

helelo i want friesship with u. (that reminds me of kkkkkiran)

i want to be closed friend with u. (when were we open?)

i want 2 b frands with you. (yup frands)

i want to be close friendship with u. (then be. cuz im closed for you)

please reply me to me weather we r frinds or not? (then you reply to urself dear me to me)

behtarin.... love..... . can v b plas? (r we gonna fix a car? or screw some nuts?)

itne mast mails kahaan se laati ho love? can there be friends between us?and if frinedship is accepted. then.....
okkkk thunks. thunk u so muck that u become my freind!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ............ .....do u have an a a/c in orkat??????? ??
if u have plz sand me u r link.
(notice the space between u and r. it completely changes the meaning of the sentence. the sentence now becomes "if u have plz sand me you are
link")

A Rebellious Little Bird

There was once a little bird who decided to rebel against tradition, and when it came time to fly south for the winter, he decided to stay behind. All the other birds flew south for the warmer weather, leaving the rebellious one alone.

Of course, it wasn't long before the little bird discovered he had made a terrible mistake. Winter set in and it became very cold. So, he decided that he had better take off and fly south like his friends.

He started flying, but didn't get very far before the cold north wind began to freeze his wings, and he went plummeting down, down, down ... He fell straight down from the sky, through an open hole in the rooftop of a nearby barn, and directly into a fresh pile of cow dung.

Well, the warmth thawed out his wings, and soon he was feeling fine again. But, as his little head popped out from the smelly dung, along came a cat who plucked him up and ate him.

Moral : Whenever you end up in a pile of DoDo it may not necessarily be a bad thing, and everyone that comes to pull you out of your DoDo may not necessarily be a good
thing.

*******

Husband of the year awards


An
honorable mention for :
The United Kingdom



...followed closely by The United States of America



and then ... Poland




but 3rd Place must go to...

..
Greece



it was very very close but the runner up prize was a warded to... Serbia


but the winner of the husband/partner of the year

...is

Ireland
Ya gotta love the Irish.


The Irish are true romantics
, look, he's even
holding her hand.


Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has
Mr . in it;
Female has
Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has
Adam in it;


Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
MEN ?
MEN
strual cramps
MEN
tal breakdown
MEN
opause
GUY
necologist
AND ..

When we have REAL trouble, it's a

HIS
terectomy .



Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them
......

One trully amazing guitar player



Funny Greeting Cards - Outside n Inside

1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

9. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

10. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

11. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

12. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

13. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

14. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

15. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

16. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

17. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) - What do you say we
stop?

I can sleep when the wind blows

Years ago, a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast.

He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic . They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic , wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops.

As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received A steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farm hand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man.

Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, Hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!"

The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm.

To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred.

The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down.

Nothing could blow away. The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

******

When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through
your life?

******

still women loves man

Interesting facts

Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man

Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man

Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man

Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man

Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man

Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man


Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man

Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped Still Women likes man

A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man

What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man

How does a man show he's planning for the future? – He buys two cases of beer instead of one. Still Women likes man

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. Still Women likes man

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? – They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. Still Women likes man

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? – After a year the dog is still excited to see you. Still Women likes man

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don't have eyes. Still Women likes man

What's the difference between men and government bonds? – Bonds mature Still Women likes man

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? – We don't know, it's never happened Still Women likes man

Why are men like tile floors? – If you lay ' em properly the first time, you can walk over them for years. Still Women likes man

What do you call a man with half a brain? – Gifted. Still Women likes man

AND FINALLY …… Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? – Because these men already have boyfriends! Still Women likes
man


Someone Who Understands

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read: "Puppies For Sale". Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.

"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.

The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."


The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.

"I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"


The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran out in the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind.

Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"


The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always be lame.

The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."


The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."


The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."

To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands."


Don't we all need someone who understands?


******


One Little Champ ( wOw )


Before & After Marriage

Before Marriage

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She: Do you want me to leave?

He: NO! Don't even think about it.

She: Do you love me?

He: Of course! Over and over!

She: Have you ever cheated on me?

He: NO! Why are you even asking?

She: Will you kiss me?

He: Every chance I get!

She: Will you hit me?

He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She: Can I trust you?

He: Yes.

She: Darling!

After marriage...

Simply read from
bottom to top.

The Master good Article



When one Guru was dying, one of his deciple asked him "Guruji, who was your master?"He said, "I had thousands of masters. If I just relate their names it will take months, years and it is too late. But three masters I will certainly tell you about.


One was a thief. Once I got lost in the desert, and when I reached a village it was very late, everything was closed. But at last I found one man who was trying to make a hole in t he wall of a house. I asked him where I could stay and he said 'At this time of night it will be difficult, but you can say with me - if you can stay with a thief'.And the man was so beautiful. I stayed for one month! And each night he would say to me, 'Now I am going to my work. You rest, you pray.' When he came back I would ask 'Could you get anything?' He would say, 'Not tonight. But tomorrow I will try again, God willing.' He was never in a state of hopelessness, he was always happy.


When I was meditating and meditating for years on end and nothing was happening, many times the moment came when I was so desperate, so hopeless,that I thought to stop all this nonsense. And suddenly I would remember the thief who would say every night, 'God willing, tomorrow it is going to happen.'


And my second master was a dog. I was going to the river, thirsty and a dog came. He was also thirsty. He looked into the river, he saw another dog there -- his own image -- and became afraid. He would bard and run away, but his thirst was so much that he would come back. Finally, despite his fear, he just jumped into the water, and the image disappeared. And I knew that a message had come to me from God: one has to jump in spite of all fears.


And the third master was a small child. I entered a town and a child was carrying a lit candle. He was going to the mosque to put the candle there.


'Just joking,' I asked the boy, 'Have you lit the candle yourself?' He said,


'Yes sir.' And I asked, 'There was a moment when the candle was unlit, then there was a moment when the candle was lit. Can you show me the source from which the light came?' And the boy laughed, blew out the candle, and said, 'Now you have seen the light going. Where has it gone? You will tell me!'


My ego was shattered, my whole knowledge was shattered. And that moment I felt my own stupidity. Since then I dropped all my knowledgeability.


It is true that I had no master. That does not mean that I was not a disciple

-- I accepted the whole existence as my master. My Disciplehood was a greater involvement than yours is. I trusted the clouds, the trees. I trusted existence as such. I had no master because I had millions of masters I learned from every possible source. To be a disciple is a must on the path. What does it mean to be a disciple? It means to be able to learn. To be available to learn to be vulnerable to existence. With a master you start learning to learn.


The master is a swimming pool where you can learn how to swim. Once you have learned, all the oceans are yours."

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

German Coast Guard Very Funny video ( Improve your English )

German Coast Guard - Lost in Translation
German Coast Guard - Lost in Translation Improve your english JavaScript is disabled! To display this content, you need a JavaScript capable...

The Wise Songbird

Once upon a time there was a golden songbird that lived in a beautiful garden. It spent all its days singing the loveliest songs to the honour of its maker and the delight of all the people who heard it.

But the keeper of the garden, who was a foolish and greedy man, coveted the little songster, and one day he made a cunning net in which he snared it. The little bird begged the man to release him and promised to tell him three great secrets if only he would let him go. Now the gardener really was a very greedy man and rubbing his hands together, he eagerly released the bird.

Then the songbird told him it's three great secrets:Never believe all that you hear; Never regret what you have never lost, and never throw away that which you have in your keeping.

The gardener was furious when he heard this and said he had known these so-called 'secrets' since he was a little child and shouted that the bird had tricked him. But the songbird quietly replied that if the man had really known these three secrets, or only the last of them, he would never have let him go.

Then the bird added:"I have a most precious jewel weighing over three ounces hidden inside me and whoever possesses that marvellous stone will have every wish granted."

On hearing this, the keeper roared like a lion and cursed himself for setting the songster free. But the little bird only added fuel to his rage by explaining that since he weighed no more than half an ounce at most, as anyone with eyes could plainly see, how was it possible that a gem weighing more than three ounces could be hidden within it's tiny body?

At that the man tore his hair and lunged at the bird in a towering rage, but the little songbird flew to a nearby branch and added sweetly:"Since you never had the jewel in your hands you are already regretting what you never lost, and believing what I told you, you threw it away by setting me free."

Then the little songbird told the man to study well these three great secrets and so become as wise as the bird himself!

******

Tourism