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Showing posts with label Funny Quotes; Job Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Quotes; Job Humor. Show all posts

Sunday, March 8, 2009

He vs sHe in Office job humor

He vs sHe in Office

How the company views its employees. (HE vs SHE)

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1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.


The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.


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2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.


HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain


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3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal


SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.


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4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.


SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.


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5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.


SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.


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6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.


SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.


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7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.


The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.


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8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?


SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?


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9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.


SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?


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10 . HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.


SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not
dependable

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Doctor's Medical Certificate Funny

Doctor Certified

I Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ ____ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.


Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.


The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.


It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.

Which can directly lead to heart strokes.


In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.


Sd/- Dr. Impatient


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Saturday, February 21, 2009

Computer Tech Support Calls Funny Jokes

Computer Tech Support Calls

These "silly tech support calls" have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. How 'bout you?


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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


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And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO
THAT!


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Sick Leave Policy

Sick Leave Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY


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* SICKNESS

No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


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* AN OPERATION

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


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* DEATH

Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.


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* Your own death

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


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* ALSO

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.


We appreciate your cooperation.

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Thursday, January 1, 2009

New Year - Employee Rules and Regulations

New Year - Employee Rules and Regulations ( office humor )


*Dress Code*

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.


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*Sick Days*

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


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*Personal Days*

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


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*Toilet Use*

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.


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*Lunch Break*

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.


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*Mails*

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.


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Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management.


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