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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Bachelors Quotes humor and jokes

Bachelors Quotes

Every man should get married some time; after all,happiness is not the only thing in life !!


--Anonymous


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Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.


--Oscar Wilde


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Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.


--Scottish Proverb


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I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.


--Sam Kinison


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Men have a better time than women; for one thing,


They marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.


--H. L. Mencken


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When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.


When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.


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Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.


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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,


You can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.


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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always.


--Anonymous


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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"


She said,"Somewhere I h! Ave never been!" I told her,


"How about the kitchen?"


--Anonymous


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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


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My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours.


That was only for the estimate.


--Anonymous


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She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


--Anonymous


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She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"


Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in."


--Anonymous


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Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.


He says "the wedding rings look like miniature handcuffs... .."


--Anonymous


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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?


The Dog of course... At least he'll shut up after u let him in!


--Anonymous


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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.


The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?"


The first man approached him and said,

"Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"


The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband."

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin .


The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.


The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled " It really works ! "

Monday, February 23, 2009

monkey flirting ( Bud wiser Funny AD ) Video

monkey flirting ( Bud wiser Funny AD )

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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...

TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...

TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...SINGLE

-Love is like a butterfly...

The more you chase it, the more it eludes you

But if you just let it fly...

It will come back to you when you least expect it

Love can make you happy...but often it hurts

Love is only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it



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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...NOT SO SINGLE

-Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person"

Its about finding someone who helps you...

Become the best person you can be


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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...ENGAGED

-The true measure of compatibility. ..

Is not the years spent together

But how good you are for each other



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TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...MARRIED

-Love is not about..."its your fault"...but..."I'm sorry"

Not..."where are you"...but..."I'm right here for you"

Not..."how could you"...but..."I understand"

Not..."I wish you were"...but...I'm thankful you are"



************ *


TO MY FRIENDS WHO ARE...HEARTBROKEN

-Heartbreaks last as long as you want...

And cut as deep as you allow them to go

The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks. ..

But to learn from
them


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Definition of a kiss


Definition of a kiss

Prof .of Economics

Kiss is that thing for which the demand is aways higher than the supply.


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Prof. Of Accountancy

Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.


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Prof. Of Algebra

Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.


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Prof. Of Geometry

Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.


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Prof. Of Physics

Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.


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Prof. Of Chemistry

Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.


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Prof. Of Zoology

Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.


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Prof. Of Physiology

Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularisoris muscles in the state of contraction.


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Prof. Of Dentistry

Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.


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Prof. Of Philosophy

Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.


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Prof. Of English

Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper, it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.


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Prof. Of Architecture

Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects


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Prof. Of Comp.Science

What is a kiss? It seems to be an undefined variable


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Someone Who Understands

A store owner was tacking a sign above his door that read: "Puppies For Sale". Signs like that have a way of attracting small children and sure enough, a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.

"How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" he asked.

The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50."



The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.

"I have $2.37," he said. "Can I please look at them?"


The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came Lady, who ran out in the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny balls of fur. One puppy was lagging considerably behind.

Immediately the little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said, "What's wrong with that little dog?"


The store owner explained that the veterinarian had examined the little puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket. It would always be lame.

The little boy became excited. "That is the puppy that I want to buy."


The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog. If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

The little boy got quite upset. He looked straight into the store owner's eyes, pointing his finger, and said, "I don't want you to give him to me. That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and I'll pay full price. In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a month until I have him paid for."


The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog. He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the other puppies."

To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big metal brace. He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well, I don't run so well myself, and the little puppy will need someone who understands."


Don't we all need someone who understands?

~"Puppies For Sale" by Dan
Clark~


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21 Reasons Why I Love You...

21 Reasons Why I Love You...

* I can be myself when I am with you.

* Your idea of romance is dim lights, soft music, and just the two of us.

* Because you make me feel like, like, like I have never felt before.

* I can tell you anything, and you won't be shocked

* Our undying faith is what keeps the flame out of love alive

* You and me together, we can make magic.

* We're a perfect match.

* Thinking of you, fills me with a wonderful feeling.

* Your love gives me the feeling, that the best is still ahead.

* You never give up on me, and that's what keeps me going.

* You are simply irresistible

* I love you because you bring the best out of me.

* Your terrific sense of humor

* Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat

* You're the one who holds the key to my heart

* You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).

* You have taught me the true meaning of love.

* Love is, what you mean to me - and you mean everything.

* You are my theme for a dream.

* I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.

* And, of-course, your intelligence, 'cause you were smart enough to fall in love with
me ;-)


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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Girls vs. Grown Women

Girls vs. Grown Women

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.

Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits

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Girls want to control the man in their life.

Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

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Girls check you for not calling them.

Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

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Girls are afraid to be alone.

Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

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Girls ignore the good guys.

Grown women ignore the bad guys.

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Girls make you come home.

Grown women make you want to come home.

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Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.

Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

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Girls try to monopolize all their man's time ( I.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).

Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends!

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Girls think a guy crying is weak.

Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

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Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.

Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

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Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.

Grown women know that that was just one man.

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Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.

Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

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Girls will read this and get an attitude.

Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends".

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

Computer Tech Support Calls Funny Jokes

Computer Tech Support Calls

These "silly tech support calls" have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. How 'bout you?


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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


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And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO
THAT!


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For Hard workers Only..

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man.
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour."

"Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down.Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50?"



The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

"Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man.

"It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have Rs.100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

Share this story with someone you like....

But even better, share Rs.100 worth of time with someone you love. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close ! To our
hearts.

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Sick Leave Policy

Sick Leave Policy

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY


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* SICKNESS

No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


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* AN OPERATION

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


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* DEATH

Other than your own. This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.


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* Your own death

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


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* ALSO

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.


We appreciate your cooperation.

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Simple Friend v/s Real Friend

Simple Friend v/s Real Friend

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.

A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!)


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A simple friend has never seen you cry.

A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..


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A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names.

A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.


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A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.

A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.


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A simple friend hates it when you call after they've gone to bed.

A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.


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A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.

A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.


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A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.

A real friend could blackmail you with it.


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A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.

A real friend calls you after you had a fight.


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A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.

A real friend expects to always be there for
you!


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Thursday, February 19, 2009

Story of Smart Old Man

A SMART OLD MAN :

A VERY OLD man went into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side (TOP MODEL, 23 yrs old).

He told the jeweler He was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend, the jeweler brought to them a diamond ring at $40,000!

The young lady's eyes shone and her whole body trembled with excitement...

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"...

And the old man to add: I'll pay you by check, I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write It now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

Monday morning, the very upset jeweler phoned the old man and said:

"There's no money in that account"!!!!!

The old man answered: Of course I know..., "but can you imagine the weekend I had"???

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