He vs sHe in Office job humor

He vs sHe in Office

How the company views its employees. (HE vs SHE)

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1. The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.

The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.

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2. HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.

HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain

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3. HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal

SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.

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4. HE's not at his desk. He must be at a meeting.

SHE's not at her desk. She must be in the ladies' room.

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5. HE's not in the office. He's meeting with customers.

SHE's not in the office. She must be out shopping.

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6. HE's having lunch with the boss. He's on his way up.

SHE's having lunch with the boss. They must be having an affair.

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7. The boss criticised HIM. He'll improve his performance.

The boss criticized HER. She'll be very upset.

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8. HE got an unfair deal. Did he get angry?

SHE got an unfair deal. Did she cry?

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9. HE's going on a business trip. It's good for his career.

SHE's going on a business trip. What does her husband say?

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10 . HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.

SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable

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Punishment air force style

Punishment air force style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.


As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,

Stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

Can Not Stop Laughing Very Funny Video

Doctor's Medical Certificate Funny

Doctor Certified

I Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ ____ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.

Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.

The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.

Which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/- Dr. Impatient

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Clever Girls Funny Joke

Clever Girls

A Girl is giving directions to her new boyfriend to get to her apartment.


She says: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex where I live and look for apartment 14A, and with your elbow push button 14A. Come inside and you'll find the elevator on the right. With your elbow hit 14. When you get out of the elevator you'll find my apartment on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell and I'll open the door for you"


The boyfriend says: "Dear, that sounds very easy to find, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow ?"

"Oh my God!! You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

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Honesty funny story

Honesty

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"


"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."


When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."


The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

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HIJACK Funny Story

HIJACK !!!

One guy in the plane got up all of sudden and shouted "HIJACK" ...

The passengers got scared and put their hands up ...

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From the other end someone shouted Hi John...

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Life is a one way

Life is a one way

Life is a one way street....
No Matter which door u take..
Non of them..
Leads back..
So Enjoy every moment of ur life..
B'coz nothing will happen the same way again....take care..

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The most determinative & motivating sentence which shud always be followed in life.
The RACE is NOT OVER because I haven't WON yet.

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Have you ever watched a stone cutter at work??
He will hammer away at a rock, for perhaps a 100 times without a crack showing in it.
Then, on the 101st blow, it will split in two..
It is not that blow alone.. Which accomplished the result,
But the 100 others that went before as well...
So...
To accomplish any goal...keep going...

What matters is PERSISTENCY ....

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Generous lawyer Funny Story

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.


"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.


"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."


On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

How To Be A Friend ?

How To Be A Friend

01. Don't worry about knowing people just make yourself worth knowing.

02. Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer.

03. If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.

04. True friends have hearts that beat as one.

05. If you cannot think of any nice things to say about your friends, then you have the wrong friends.

06. Make friends before you need them.

07. If you were another person, would you like to be a friend of yours?

08. A good friend is one who neither looks down on you nor keeps up with you.

09. Be friendly with the folks you know… if it weren't for them you would be a total stranger.

10. A friend is never known till he is needed.

11. Friendship is a responsibility. ..not an opportunity.

12. Friendship is the cement that holds the world together.

13. Friends are those who speak to you after others don't.

14. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.

15. Pick your friends, but not to pieces.

16. A friend is one who puts his finger on a fault without rubbing it in.

17. The way to have friends is to be willing to lose some arguments.

18. If a friend makes a mistake, don't rub it in... Rub it out.

19. Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own.

20. People are judged by the company they keep and the company they keep away from.

21. A friend is a person who can step on your toes without messing up your shine.

22. The best mirror is an old friend.

23. The best possession one may have is a true friend.

24. Make friendship a habit and you will always have friends.

25. You will never have a friend if you must have one without faults.

26. Doing nothing for your friends results in having no friends to do for.

27. Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.

28. You can make more friends by being interested in them than trying to have them be interested in you.

29. A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.

30. A friend is a person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

31. You can buy friendship with friendship, but never with dollars.

32. True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare; false friends are like autumn leaves, found everywhere.

33. A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even though you're slightly cracked.


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Doctor's Medical Certificate

Doctor's Medical Certificate

Doctor Certified

I Certified that Mr. /Miss ____________ ____ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.

Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.

Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.

The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.

It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.

Which can directly lead to heart strokes.

In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.

Sd/- Dr. Impatient

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How guys select the girl funny

How guys select the girl

How guys select the girl they want to marry

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.

He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man is impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.

She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market.

She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

Guess which lady he chose to marry?

Think like a man . . .

(scroll down for the answer)

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He married the most beautiful one!!!!!!

Men are Men.... Obviously!!! :)

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